Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
so, is there a mister shapen head
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.