Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?