Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
How it started How it’s going
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit