Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Love is always patient and kind.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

A collection of me turning into random objects.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me: