#have a #great #PancakeDay
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows