Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.