Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I ain’t wearing no wire
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
