Have a lovely day 馃槉
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Wise advice
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
A woman at the gym wouldn鈥檛 let me wipe down the machine for her after I鈥檇 used it. I think this means we鈥檙e engaged
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam鈥檚 toothbrush: show off
i love diet soda i don鈥檛 care if it gave rats tumours i鈥檓 way bigger and stronger than a rat
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.