have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Monday?
No. Next question.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.