have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
me irl
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around