have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Life with a cat in one tweet
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver