Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”