Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.