Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Erm…
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.