Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Miscakes

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.