have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
A great tip. #CakeRex
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
This one’s “Alex”.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
what day is it?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*