have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.