Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor