Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.