Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

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Me: Same.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

What if the weather talks about us?

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

🤣

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*