I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Succinctly put.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway