Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Jesus Christ lmao

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Florida man

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born