Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.