Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

My brain is a bad influence on me

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Welcome

Okay this one takes it home

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.