Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Muppet Screams

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”