Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Des Moines Police having a normal one

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.