Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?