Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.