Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My neck, my back, my…
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.