Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.