Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
