Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.