Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.