Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

this is the best day of my life

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???