Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I drew y’all a little something.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends