Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
when you don’t want to be too vague
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees