Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

That de-escalated quickly

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.