Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy