Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.