Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Ah..makes sense now
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats