Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.