Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*