Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I put the mess in domestic.