Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

The glory of fall.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Hmmmmmmm….

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.