Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?