Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
kids play hide and seek like
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.