Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The honesty is refreshing
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
That’s easy for you to say
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.