Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.