Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant