Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Try and stop me.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy