Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Breaking news:
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers