Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

📽️movie date🎞️

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.