Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

So that’s what we looked like?

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

I am HOWLING at this

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs