Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags