Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it