Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
You Might Also Like
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.