Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!