Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport