Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.