Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
God has abandoned us.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?