Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

23. the denim jacket

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.