Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.