Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
What is going on? 😅
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung