Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Interior designer.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.