Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
The cashier just checked me out.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
