Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
what’s in a name?
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck