Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
So Hamburger help me, God
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Natural selection at its finest
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.