Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby