Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Nice try, NASA
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s