Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

For anyone who needs this today

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.