Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
philosophical skeletons be like
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it