Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.