Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.