Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet