Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name