Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Thursday Thought.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants