Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
what’s really going on
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
every. time.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!